Key
From Candor
2016
Initial work for this began in 2016, for the Worry Box project as Perpetual Emotion Machine. I was intending to write a downtempo piece, as shown by the electric piano chords at the beginning, but as is typical for me, I get into a groove and so I ended up double timing the arrangement and it becomes a hard hitting trance track with a notable change in tone as it progresses.
It remained in this condition for several years, unfinished, until 2022, after I had abandoned the idea of Worry Box. Pretty much all of 2022 was a clusterfuck for me, as my marriage had ended abruptly and my mental health was not in the best shape. So while I had always intended this to have lyrical content, this didn’t happen until after all of that occurred in my life.
Originally, this demo was called Rumination, because I had wanted the lyrics to be about how sometimes a mind can fixate on things, especially things that are hard to deal with or for which answers cannot be found immediately, can shut you down. But in 2022, the lyrics became about my marriage ending.
It was never really a thing for me to write lyrics so plainly literal, drawing on personal events in my life — I usually prefer metaphors — but this is a prime example of a very literal account. The lyrics are specifically related to my marriage, the relationship, the personalities that were involved and implications of how and why things fell apart. It was easy to write, because it was all still fresh in my mind as I had spent months trying to work through it.
The end result was a complete song that I truly think is one of my best, but is also something which lays my life bare for all to see. Additionally, the lyrics are so apparent to those who know me, that when it came time to perform a live show for which I had chosen to perform this song, I opted to rewrite the lyrics, because persons involved in the situation were to be in attendance. I was not looking to call out or expose people involved in the situation. So I wrote something that is more general and vague. Thus there is an expurgated version of the lyrics as well.
Rumination (Original Demo)
Key
This original arrangement from 2016 is vocal-less and has only the sequenced parts created.
The End (2022 Vocal Demo)
Key
The second version with vocals.
Lose It
Key
The final album version.
Lose It (Album Instrumental)
Key
Lose It (Expurgated Version)
Key
This version was the alternate lyrics, scrubbed of any specific information about the real people involved. Never recorded, only performed live.
Credits
written, produced and arranged by Key.
Lyrics
[explicit] I used to think That you were so intelligent The flaws I saw really seemed irrelevant How could I know Your intentions were malevolent What's wrong with me? Your decisions are really lacking common sense When I speak All you do is wreck my confidence I don't react Better to just remain reticent What's happening? I've lost a part of me Can't find it Don't know where I lost it Did I ever even have it? I can't pretend You're dramatic and dire You speak with such hyperbole But in the same breath It's yet another guarantee That you can be The person that you said you'd be I know it's a lie It's clear again You never really wanted me You played this game using memories that haunted me Now I'm ashamed that this didn't really dawn on me Until it's too late You took some part of me I can't find it Don't know where I lost it Gotta find a place to start looking is this the end? At the end of the day I came to you in my despair You turned away and this was more than I can bear When you said that it would be your last affair I loved the lie And this was my fate I chose it every single day You showed me the signs But I would choose it anyway What's wrong with me That I could give my soul away Day after day I want that part of me I can't lose it Don't even know where I found it Gotta keep this thing inside me This is the end I'll never choose it You never tried to really prove it I wont let you abuse it This is the end [clean] I used to think That I was so intelligent The flaws I saw really seemed irrelevant How could I know Their intentions were malevolent What's wrong with me? These decisions are really lacking common sense When I speak I simply lose my confidence I don't react Better to just remain reticent What's happening? I've lost a part of me Can't find it Don't know where I lost it Did I ever even have it? I can't pretend It's dramatic and dire My world is such hyperbole I take a deep breath Convince myself that I see That you can be The lover that is right for me I know it's a lie It's clear again There's something here that I don't see We played this game While the memories still haunted me Now I'm ashamed that this didn't really dawn on me Until it's too late I lost that part of me I can't find it Don't know where I lost it Gotta find a place to start looking Is this the end? At the end of the day I came to you in my despair You turned away and this was more than I can bear When I thought We had something that we could share I loved the lie And this was my fate I chose it every single day I saw the signs But I would choose it anyway What's wrong with me That I could give my soul away Day after day I want that part of me I can't lose it Don't even know where I found it Gotta keep this thing inside me This is the end I'll never choose it You never tried to really prove it I wont let you abuse it This is the end I'll never choose it You never tried to really prove it I wont let you abuse it